Thanks to Cinne Noble and Janie Neff, chairs of the International Coach Federation’s Conflict Management Coaching Community of Practice, for allowing me to present “Using the ICF Coaching Competencies to Empower Conflict Assessment Debriefings” as their monthly program, today.
Not only did the certified coaches in attendance earn a Continuing Coach Education Unit (CCEU) credit toward their re-certification – we need 40 of those puppies each time we get re-certified –, they taught me a few things about conflict management, as well.
As I said on the call, “It really does take an actively engaged audience, as well as a presenter, to make truly meaningful session.”
So thank you all who attended. I hope you learned a thing or two from me, as well.
One of the coolest parts of coaching is the interpersonal relationship that develops between coach and client. Yet clients often continue to work with a particular coach long after the power of their coaching relationship has ebbed. So it’s always a good idea to regularly assess where you are with your coach and consider what might make the relationship even more beneficial for you. Maybe all that’s needed is a little tweaking here or there.
But it may also be that it’s getting to be time for you to make a change.
Telltale Signs That It May Be Time For A Change
So how can you tell? Well to be sure, you’ll need just the right mix of intuition, mood and consideration. To help, though, here are some telltale signs you may want to look for:
The reasons for hiring your coach to begin with are no longer as relevant as they once were
You’re wanting to work with more of a specialist
The energy you get from your coaching session isn’t lasting as long as it used to
You’re not pushing yourself as much as you used to – and you miss that
It’s been a while since you’ve had a major developmental leap or gained new insight or understanding about yourself
You’re thinking that you’d rather be your coach’s friend than client
The program you’re enrolled in is nearing conclusion
If a few of these items hit home for you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s time to quit working with your coach. And if you’ve got mixed feelings about making such a move, clearly you ought to talk with your coach about what you’ve realized. But say you now realize that it really IS time to make a change. What’s next?
Taking the Next Step
Make the decision on your own. Although your coach (and colleagues) can certainly help you work through the question, it is something that you ultimately have to decide for yourself
Don’t try and find a new coach before informing your current one. It’s about you being ready for a change, not about comparing one coach to another, so go one step at a time
Let your coach know. If you’re ready for a change, just say so. After all, your relationship is built on trust and honest disclosure and all coaches know that this conversation is an inevitable part of working together
As a show of respect, tell your coach about the value you’ve received from working together and help him/her see why it’s now time to move on
Agree to spend a month (or whatever) finishing up your work together. Maybe there’s something you want to circle back on; maybe your coach has a ‘completion’ process s/he’d like you to go through. Finish up with a smile and head held high
Get over any residual guilt feelings you may have. While, yes, your decision does affect your coach, it’s more about what’s best for you – after all, you’re the one paying. And your coach already knows that sometimes what’s best IS change. So celebrate your growth and readiness to take some bigger strides. Own the personal growth that this implies.
If your coach is cool, you’ll feel validated in having made a difficult – but appropriate – decision.
Next up: finding a new coach to work with.
Finding Your Next Coach
First, get clear on what you want your next set of goals and objectives to be. Think through the makings of that next big challenge of yours and what type of support would serve you best
Then, ask friends and colleagues what they like about their coaches. Not so much to see if their coaches would be a good match for you – which they might, by the way – but more so to reacquaint yourself with some of the language you can use in making your own assessments
Talk with several coaches before making a selection. Take advantage of any offer for a complementary sample session. They’re a great way to experience how a coach coaches
Consider your choices: How aligned are your personalities? Who had the biggest impact on you? Who made/helped you think the most? What emotional energy did you get from talking with each of them? Whose style of coaching and support feels best?
Make your selection and don’t look back – not for a while, anyway.
Now it may be time for you to change coaches. But then again, maybe it’s not. The important thing is that you make that determination by choice and not just by default.
I originally wrote this article in 2002. It was originally carried by the Association of Coaching & Consulting Professionals, The Coaching Zone, and the Online Consultancy Network – none of which, sadly, seem to be around anymore. I decided to republish it here as a tie-in to a LinkedIn comment I recently posted.
Ever notice how some leaders are seemingly more confident than others? More likely than not, the way you notice their confidence – or the lack thereof – is through the punctuation they use.
Take, for example, leaders who assign tasks as questions. “Would you do me a favor?” they’ll ask.
Really?! Would I do you a FAVOR?! Um, no! I’ll do whatever work you want me to do, but not as a FAVOR. I’ll do it because BECAUSE IT’S MY JOB!
Questions Marks and Exclamation Points
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times when a boss asking questions is, unquestionably, the right thing to do. (Hey, my job is to ask clients questions, so I get the whole Socratic thing.) But when delegating a simple task, questions are NOT the way to go.
Try this, instead: “I have an assignment for you!”
“Oh, but I don’t speak in exclamation points,” you might say. “They’re too…”
Fine. Then speak in periods.
Questions, Fearlessness, and Courageousness
Asking questions when statements are more in order is an indicator of fear. Consider the related negative self-talk:
“What if they won’t do what I say?”
“What if they don’t respect me?”
“They don’t respect me, do they?”
“What if this new request sends them over the edge?”
“Better if I ask nicely, right?”
But make no mistake: It’s your job, as a leader, to assign people work.
And it’s their job, in large part, to demonstrate to you, their boss, that they can do their job (including “other duties, as defined”) competently and pleasantly.
Own Your Authority!
A variation of the fear that results in phrasing requests as questions has to do with not owning your authority.
“Who am I to be telling them what to do?”
“What if they go over my head to complain?”
“Why am I so afraid of the people who report to me?”
So, who are you to be telling them what to do? You’re their supervisor and it’s your job to tell them what to do. Politely. Respectfully. Always.
And what if they go over your head to complain? Well, it’s your job to be able to explain the business justification for each and every one of your requests – early and often. If you do that, and do so with the appropriate tone, as per above, you’ve got nothing to worry about. (You may be overridden, sometimes, but should that happen it will likely be less about you than some larger business issue you didn’t know about or didn’t consider as fully as you might have.)
As for why you might be so afraid of the people who report to you, here’s the thing: Leadership is not about being fearless – it’s about being courageous – and modeling courageousness for your staff – in the face of fear! (You can quote me on that.)
So what can you do to increase your courageousness?
Well, for starters, one thing you can certainly do is break the habit of trying to soften your requests with question marks.