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For Your Interest – June 2014
Hi, there ~
"I bruise, easily," said the woman next
to me as she pointed to the
black-and-blue marks she got from
bumping into something the other day.
Me, too, I thought, although my bruises
are more the 'ego' type.
It's so easy to get 'triggered'
sometimes. And once your hot buttons are
pushed, you've got to think and act fast
– which is not such an easy thing to do when
'danger' signals are coursing through
your veins and your 'thinking' brain has
seemingly lost all consciousness. But effective
trigger management is so important to
getting on in the world these days. Not
just in a theoretical sense, but in
everyday, real-world, conversations, as
well.
What are Triggers
Triggers are protection measures –
overreactions, actually – that stem from
our deep, personal, and long-standing
challenges with fear. Not actual fear;
perceived fear. Fear that our ego is (or
will soon be) in serious danger. So it's
on the lookout – in permanent
hyper-vigilance mode, if you will –
ready to protect and defend at a
moment's notice. It'd be kind of nice if
it weren't for the never-ending string
of false-positives it creates.
Indeed, there are all
sorts of things that other people do,
intentionally or otherwise, that 'feel'
like threats – real threats – that really
aren't. But our ego doesn't know that so
it floods our body with
incredible amounts of energy, emotion, and adrenaline
that instantaneously shuts off our brain
and engages our 'fight/flight' instinct,
leaving us to attack or lash out
('fight') or shut-down and run away
('flight') again, and again, and again.
It's really an amazingly powerful
process. Too bad it's so disruptive, unhelpful,
and so-often flat-out wrong!
Different things trigger different
people, but here are 9 'ways of being'
that are known to drive us pretty crazy
under certain circumstances:
- Unreliable – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who miss deadlines and cannot be
counted on; others are not.
- Over-Analytical – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who try to be perfectionists,
over-analyze things, and focus too
much on minor issues; others are
not.
- Unappreciative – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who fail to give credit or seldom
praise good performance; others are
not.
- Aloof – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who don't seek input from others or
are seemingly hard to approach or
talk to; others are not.
- Micro-Managers – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who constantly monitor and check up
on their work; others are not.
- Self-Centered – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who believe they are always right,
notwithstanding how compelling the
counterargument might be; others are
not.
- Abrasive – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who are seemingly arrogant,
sarcastic or sardonic; others are
not.
- Untrustworthy – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who exploit others, take undeserved
credit for something, or cannot be
trusted; others are not.
- Hostile – Some
people are wildly bothered by those
who lose their tempers, become
angry, or yell at others; others are
not.
As you see, not everyone is triggered by
the same things, or to the same extent,
but the odds are pretty good that at
least one or two things on this list can
drive you a bit nuts – and cause you to
react in ways that don't serve you well
or allow you to remain present to the
moment.
Why Effective Trigger Control is
Important
There are three main reasons why being
able to control our triggers, and
effectively manage our hot buttons is,
so important.
- Controlling our
triggers is our first line of
defense in keeping interactions
productive. Face
it; conflicts don't get weird if we
don't get triggered. That doesn't
mean they get any easier, but it
does mean that we're able to deal
with the challenges they bring far
more effectively because when we're
not busy reacting to ego-threats,
real or imagined, we can tackle
bigger things more effectively.
- Rogue personal triggers
are our weakest link. When
triggers fire, they distract our
focus, dilute our impact, dissolve
our hardiness and resilience, and
hijack our most important
conversations, turning otherwise
ordinary interactions into
counterproductive piles of goo. That
when triggers fire they also have a
way of convincing us that our
over-reactions are fully justified
and reasonable doesn't help us much,
either.
- Self-management has
broader applicability. Whether
we're triggered or not, there are
times when being able to control and
filter what we say, think, and do
provides us with a decided
advantage. Not being able to control
and filter what we say, think, and
do can put us at a decided
disadvantage, as well. It's a
choice we get to make.
The good news is that triggers are
fairly benign when they're idle, which is
something pretty helpful to remember
when collaborating with others.
If something/someone is triggering you,
chances are good that someone else in
the group isn't nearly as bothered by it
as you. So letting an 'un-triggered' person run lead while you
cool down is a pretty effective
strategy. And just so you don't think
that's all take and no give, rest
assured. You'll likely have ample
opportunity to return the favor by
stepping up when something inevitably triggers
them that doesn't bother you.
Desensitizing Your Triggers
If you tend to 'heat up' when triggered,
it'd definitely be worth taking a moment
or two to identify 8-10 specific things
you can do – in the moment – to cool
yourself down. Similarly, if you tend to
'shut down' when triggered, it'd be
worth taking a moment or two to identify
8-10 specific things you can do – in the
moment – to re-engage with whomever
you're dealing with. Whichever list you
create, it'd be a good idea to carry it
around with you, and review it
regularly, for a while.
Here are some other things you can do:
- Engage in some
self-reflection. Consider
why a particular trigger aggravates
you. What is the added meaning
you're giving to it that others
seemingly don't? When and where does
this trigger fire most often for
you? Knowing the patterns, what can
you do to lessen the impact of that
'added meaning' in other
circumstances? What would help
you remember that in those moments?
- Look beyond the person's
behavior and examine the substance. There's
the message you heard and the
message the person intended for you
to hear. Compare and contrast. Are
they really saying (or implying)
what you're inferring? (Hint: Likely
not.) Are they really trying to
trigger you? (Hint: Likely not.) If
you're not sure, ask someone you
trust for their take on things.
Don't just assume you're right
because once we're triggered we're
usually wrong. Know that. So rather
than try to validate why
your trigger-filled interpretation
is right, seek alternate
explanations for what's going on. In
other words, rebooting your
'thinking' brain by giving it
something to do helps dilute the
impact of the adrenaline flow.
- Work your triggers in
creative ways. Let's
say you're typically triggered by
'abrasiveness.' Okay, here's a
creative something you can do to
ready yourself for someone like
that: Get several grits of
sandpaper, and a piece of wood, and
practice. Seriously, sanding (being
abrasive, yourself, in a socially
acceptable way) will help you
re-frame how you 'relate to'
abrasiveness. Bothered by
'aloofness'? Go to an animal shelter
and play with the cats and kittens.
See what they respond to and what
they don't. 'Unappreciative' people
get you going? Go to the park and
ask someone to pet their dog!
Listen, I know it sounds crazy, but
it works. How? By replacing the
tired, old, overused,
no-longer-helpful synaptic paths in
your brain with brand spanking new
neural linkages that
eradicate (or at least lessen the
impact of) those ego-based
interpretations that have been
messing things up. It's like
rewriting the book of how you tick
(and what ticks you off).
Noticing what triggers you, and how
you trigger others, makes this whole
trigger/hot button control thing far
more manageable. So notice it. Recognize
it. And ready yourself to be ready for
what's likely to happen next.
Knowing your triggers really does help.
Maybe not at first, but ulitimately. Does it take practice?
Yes. Do you have to go out of your way
to practice? No, not really – there's
ample opportunity everywhere. Plus, the
payoffs can be significant.
And your ego will most definitely
appreciate the rest!
P.S. For some case studies of how I do what I do,
visit www.ldrtr.com/case-studies.
Have a fabulous month!
- bz
Barry Zweibel | 847-291-9735
LeadershipTraction® | www.ldrtr.com
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